Epiphany
Ok, so maybe it was obvious to most people who really know me, but the epiphany I had, was that not that many people are all that close to me!
I realised, that although I have a social life, it mainly involves my siblings friends, or friends of friends, and these encounters only really happen when I feel extremely sure I will be comfortable in said situation, or I always have an option of escape.
For example, I adore my boyfriend, and and extremely comfortable going to his gigs and hanging out with his friends, I would never be confident about socialising with that group if my boyfriend wasn’t around however…I would feel very insecure.
I thought this mostly had something to do with not having enough friends, which in part it does, and I also thought it had something to do with my anxiety, which it also does in part, but mostly…and I can’t believe it took me this long to figure it out, it’s because I have no confidence!
Now I used to be ok with no confidence, I used to think it made me a humble person, and I never wanted to be portayed even slightly confident because I associated it so closely with arrogance, which is a trait I detest above all! But in turn I realise my low confidence effects more that just me not being a big fan of myself, it effects nearly my entire life!
Photography is a given, I am constantly worried I am crap at that and never really believe in my work. This effects my inwardly, however I can fake confidence on the outside, probably because my work is represented through my ‘business’ therefore I can seem confident, I can seem proud of myself through that because I know it is the way I must portray myself for my business. And with my self portraits, I again am not really me, I am a different version of myself.
When confidence becomes a bigger issue is in terms of socialising. Please don’t misunderstand me, I am not a hermit, nor am I awkward in social situations, it just takes alot for me to put myself out there, especially on my own!
On my own is a big thing, if someone asked me to go into a party full of people I don’t know and asked me to sing ‘I Can’t Make You Love Me’ on a stage, I would say heeeeellll no, but if say, my sister was there as well and was up for it, well them my inhibitions would be thrown out the window!
So to move on to friendship groups, well I don’t have many. I know alot of people who have a really strong ‘group’ of friends, and I have envied this for so long! I am not apart of a group, I tend to dip in and out of groups. My brother is my best friend, and therefore I am good friends with pretty much all of his friends. His ‘group’ are like my family, but I can never be confident in calling them MY friends, or hanging out with them individually without my brother…why? Because I’m not CONFIDENT! I would assume they wouldn’t want to, after all, they’re my brother’s friends technically, not mine! This system works pretty much through my whole like….they are my brothers friends, or my sisters friends, or my boyfriends friends!
I have friends that are my own, but they are mostly scattered around, one in Japan, one in Germany etc….and when they are home I attach myself to their hip, safe in the knowledge that they do truly love me, and have stuck by me for 10 or more years! But when they aren’t here, I don’t have the confidence to just grab my coat, drive into town and join a group of people that I ‘kinda’ know.
This has been extremely difficult to explain, and to most this might not seem, one, interesting, two, that shocking or three, that bad…but when you’re sitting at home for the third night in a row knowing that a group of people you kind of know are all having fun at the pub but you’re not confident enough to go and join them…I would say that’s a problem.
I guess at the end of the day I’m scared, if I go and socialise with people who I like but don’t know all that well…well they might not like me, and I always imagine awful things running through there head, mostly involving them wishing I would fuck off or something. I’m scared that they will ditch me and run off…
I know it sounds like I’m 12…
Either way I am scared, and if there is someone there I know, well I feel safer, cause I can always talk to them, or run away easier if I feel uncomfortable.
I hope one day I can have a group of people like me for me, who chose to be around me, who get excited to see me, who plan to hang out with me because they enjoy it! I hope I can push myself more into situations I find scary, to meet new people and not doubt their interest in me.
Sometimes I just wish I was someone else….
But I am me, and I will try.
Epiphany over…
